The Desert Files

You will ask each other questions you thought you would never have to ask. What will you do if you divorce? What will you do if either of you die? What will you do if it doesn’t work? Can you be happy with or without a child? Can you be strong? Can you be vulnerable? Can you tell each other the truth?

You’ll find yourself in a room with your partner asking each other those questions. You will make choices together that impact the both of you until the day that you take your last breath. There will be anger, sorrow, sadness, and frustration. You will feel all of that for your partner. You will find yourselves frustrated with your doctor. You will question every choice you both made throughout the process.

You will cry and weep because of the pain that may find you.

You will hold onto hope when it feels as if there is none left. You will need to turn to each other every step of the way. The only people that will understand what you are going through are the both of you, and those that have gone through it themselves.

But don’t be afraid to share. Don’t be afraid to tell your friends. Share as much as you can with those closest to you. In your vulnerability you will find your strength. When you encounter defeat, don’t stop. When all hope is lost, don’t stop.

You’ll want to be done, but keep going.

Eventually, you’ll find an answer, and that little boy or girl you’ve been hoping for will be with you. It may not be in the way you expected and the road you took may have required you to stretch yourself in ways you never thought you would have to, but you can get to the place that you wanted to when you first walked through those doors into your doctor’s office.

It will be a long road, but at the end of it you’ll find it was the end of a chapter, not the end of a story. Your story is just beginning, and that’s why you’re here.

You’re here because of the next chapter….poopy diapers, first steps, school, t-ball, training wheels, and a cranky teenager. You will fight for your family in a way that most others never have to. Own your journey here, but don’t let if define you.

You will find a light at the end of your path and years from now you’ll look at your family and know that it was all worth it.

Make sure you pack out what you brought in. Otherwise folks 100 years from now will be marveling at the can you left at the campsite.

So future generations can continue to experience the wonder of the American Wild.

Dear United Health Care,

Why are you hurting us?

My Wife and I are both covered under your insurance and she is currently undergoing IVF treatment with an in-network provider.

However, because Kaiser is her primary carrier, before we receive any coverage from United, everything has to be sent to Kaiser first so they can reject the claim (Kaiser does not cover or deal with IVF), then processed, and then the rejection notice needs to be sent back to my insurance company in order for our claims and orders to be processed by United Health Care.

We have finally pushed Kaiser to send back denials with EOBs and now guess what? United is denying our claims. This is frustrating, sad, and depressing…are you not supposed to be an advocate for us?

We have a blanket denial of benefits letter from Kaiser, our doctors office has sent over stamped and marked denials and EOBs which clearly indicate we, the patient, are not covered under Kaiser and are responsible for the amount.

Here are your mission values in case you forgot….

http://www.unitedhealthgroup.com/About/MissionValues.aspx

How are you meeting any of those values with how you are treating us? You should be ashamed that you tout the mission statement that you do, then treat your patients like you are treating us.

It’s intolerable

You may reach me at jmdiaz@ucla.edu.

Dejected.

Devastated.

Angry.

Sad.

Hopeful.

We walked into the doctor’s office expecting good news. We sat down in the lobby cracking jokes to each other, and we fully expected that this would be the day we chose our child.

40 minutes later we walked out in shock. We had to start the entire process over again. Not one embryo came back healthy. There were 4 boys and 1 girl. When we were shown the list all I could think was “That was supposed to be her”. The car ride home was silent. You could cut the anger with a knife. It soon gave way to sadness and then finally…what’s next? She has to put her body through the entire procedure all over again.

What else is next? It’s a little technical, a tad bit boring, and incredibly infuriating. I can’t begin to imagine what other folks have to deal with in a broken health care system. If the insurance company doesn’t act, we may well lose out on our last opportunity to have a child. But then again, you can’t really call our current Health Care System a “System”.

While we both undergo more tests to pinpoint the exact problem the other pressing issue is dealing with Kaiser, a company we don’t have IVF coverage under. You see, we are both covered for IVF under my plan (United). But she also has a previous plan from her work that is considered her “primary” plan…enter Kaiser Permanente.

Because Kaiser is her primary carrier, before we receive any coverage from my insurance company, everything has to be sent to Kaiser first so they can reject the claim (Kaiser does not cover or deal with IVF), then processed, and then the rejection notice needs to be sent back to my insurance company in order for our claims and orders to be processed by United Health Care.

90 days…is how long it takes Kaiser to reject a claim after receiving it. 90 days to say no to a procedure they don’t cover. No to a process they have no part in.

All we need is a “no” from Kaiser…that’s it. Not receiving that “no” from Kaiser puts our coverage under United at risk because if a claim takes too long to be filed, the carrier may reject the claim even though we are covered.

So after calling Kaiser multiple times they told us it’s not their problem. Kaiser’s slogan is “Thrive”. Kaiser, we are trying to; with all of our strength. You’re putting everything we’re working so hard for in jeopardy.

I doubt you’ll listen because you haven’t so far. Let us thrive so we can try to have our family.  

We just want you to say no.

Also, I’m doing a back-yard project and require some tape, red in color so we can see it against the fence. I hear you really thrive at making the stuff.

I’ve always loved watching the odometer hit a milestone. On our way home from a fundraiser I noticed that the Jeep was about to hit 40,000 miles. Usually I congratulate myself for keeping the miles low for the year, but this time I started thinking about everything that occurred in my life during those first 40,000.

Without retreading over other blog posts I’ve written, my life since 2010 has had quite a few ups and downs. Some of it fantastic and some of it down right horrible. And when it comes to my blog, lately I’ve been struggling to find a topic to write about. Most of the time inspiration hits and the little voice in my head says “you should write a blog post about that!” Not so much in the past few months.

Looking back through my previous posts a lot of what I had written about was getting through challenging times; little nuggets of self-realization that happened when I was in deep thought about serious life moments. The original intention of my blog was to share my desert adventures with students. To give them a window into the fun and enjoyment of outdoor recreation, and to explore places unknown.

But life changed and my purpose for the blog shifted into an outlet to share my thoughts and learnings. However, like I’ve mentioned…during the past few months I’ve been in a blog rut. Only it wasn’t really a rut.

It took some time but I finally realized why. It’s because for the first time in a long time, I’m truly happy. It had been such a long time since things were normal steady that change and upheaval were my “normal”. My blog rut was because things have finally gotten good.

“Wow, this is what it was supposed to feel like all along?”

“This is the stability I thought was out of reach.”

“I can’t believe it’s finally here.”

“You mean to tell me I don’t have to worry about that? Or this?”

…are all thoughts that have been recurring to me over the past few months. I used to not let myself get too happy because my line of thinking was, “well it’s probably going to turn to shit anyway so I better prepare myself.”

I don’t much think like that anymore. I’m going to fully embrace how good everything is because it’s about time.

So with that I’m really looking forward to the next 40,000 miles and getting back to the true intent of my blog. Desert Adventures and irritable bowel syndrome awareness.

You cannot truly grow unless you step into the unknown…

A few weeks ago I packed my Jeep up and headed to Arches and Canyonlands National Park. It was a trip I’ve been wanting to do for some years but always put on the back burner. I decided to go solo, not so much to find myself (I figured that out a while ago), but to put myself through a backcountry trip where the only person I could depend on was myself.

I was going to document my trip day by day but instead I’ll go ahead and write what I thought about during my time out there.

A loss for words…

Being alone for 4 days in the wilderness was quiet, really quiet. After Day 2 I realized I hadn’t spoken a single word since I started my trip. The only thing I heard was the wild and the thoughts in my head. In the evening I could hear packs of Coyotes in the distance. The only sound to come out of my mouth for the duration of the trip was a few howls back in response. And respond they did!

It was kind of nice actually. When you don’t speak your mind it kicks into high gear and your thoughts become incredibly clear. Usually my mind is a quick fire race track of thoughts. There are a few things that I have always worried about, and these things will always occupy my mind. However, through the silence I realized that I just have to accept that they will always be with me. I’ve managed them pretty damn successfully over my 34 years. I got this far, so the reality is those worries haven’t really held me back at all.

A Thunderstorm…

I started my trip a day ahead of schedule in hopes of avoiding a thunderstorm that was going to pass through. Whelp…didn’t really time it right and I drove straight into it. Not only that but I drove straight into it on a particularly rocky and steep section of the trail. I don’t often engage my lockers but for a few hours I was locked front and rear going up and down slippery slopes, lightning all around, with white knuckles and a puckered butthole. It was the only time during the trip that I was concerned that I was alone and help might be days away.

See, I tried to avoid something and drove straight into it. The lesson here is that if you see something unavoidable coming towards you, it’s best to keep your head up and face it with everything you have. Push through that shit and the sky will eventually clear.

That evening, when I finally arrived at my campsite, I poured myself a glass of whiskey and watched the stars come out through the clearing storm.

Slow time down…

9 years ago I started exploring the desert in an effort to find myself. Since then I found what I was looking for. It’s become that constant that grounds me to what really matters in life.

Every now and then you have to test yourself. You have to go through something unknown. It’s different for everyone. For me it’s a new trail. It’s taking a risk in the great wide open and having enough confidence in yourself to face whatever happens.

Time passes by more quickly as we get older because we tend to experience less. When we were young time passed by more slowly because we experienced so many firsts. Elementary school, Jr. High, High School, dances, first dates, driving, band, sports, college, travel.

And then, as time goes by we fall into a routine…work then home, work then home, work then home. Time speeds up, and before long you are asking yourself where did all of that time go?

If you want to slow time down, if you want to enjoy those special moments in life, try stepping into the unknown.

How much time do we really have?

There are folks that say, “We have enough time in the world”. Then there are others that say, “Live everyday as if it’s your last”.

How should we live our life knowing that at any moment it can all change in an instant? I prefer to think that it’s somewhere in between thinking we have enough time and living every day as if it’s our last. If you think about how you would spend your last days what would you do? Where would you go? Would you party it up in Vegas everyday or jet around the world 7 days a week trying to see as many places as you could?

If you partied in Vegas every day of the week you wouldn’t last 3 days…and then it would most certainly be your last day. If you jet set around the world everyday would you really get to know the places you travelled to? What’s travel without spending time with the culture you’re visiting?

If you move too fast you’ll miss the important moments of your life and those of the people around you. If you move to slow you’ll miss those things too.

Maybe living everyday like it’s your last isn’t about doing a thing; maybe it’s about what you do with the important people in your life.

Plan vacations and see the world.

Take it easy and relax.

But when push comes to shove and the situation is grim what you’ll think about first are the people you love.

So for them, live for them like it’s your last day and set aside enough time to show them.

(Photo by Jose Diaz)

Far off in the distance a contrail of civilization crosses the sky.

Dusk settles into evening.

A wisp of wind cradles the creosote.

The first starlight punctures the sky with a faint shimmer.

The campfire roars to life.

I am home.